My hope is that everyone who reads this learns to appreciate life a little more.
---
"I'm HIV positive."
That's what I told myself on Thursday night. I didn't know for sure but I had a gut feeling. I tried not to jump to conclusions as I browsed the internet of find out what the early symptoms of HIV are. I usually have a positive outlook on things; however, the situation did not look good for me.
I had many of the early symptoms of HIV. My entire body was feeling weak and I had been sneezing a lot. My mouth was feeling pain from a canker sore and I had what looked like mouth thrush. I have also lost a lot of weight since the beginning of summer. All of this was happening just four months after having my last unprotected "experience". It had to be HIV.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
The next day I attempted to get tested for HIV. However, the health clinic sent me home early; they wouldn't have time to test me before closing time. They told me to come back next week. I left the clinic feeling miserable.
In the following days, I reflected on my situation:
What will I do with myself if I am HIV positive?
Will I be miserable?
No, it might be hard but I don't want to give up my life.
I'm stronger than that.
Should I tell my family?
No, I would never do that.
I'll keep it to myself.
I don't want them to worry about me.
How long will I live?
I don't know, but I'll try to live as long as I can.
I want to live to see a cure for HIV.
I really do believe it's going to happen within my lifetime.
Finally I returned to the health clinic to get tested. I arrived early to secure an appointment. Fifteen minutes was all it took to find out if I was HIV positive.
Sometimes things don't turn out how you want them to
And I cried myself to sleep again that night.
---
Despite any tears of sadness that I might shed from now on
I refuse to give up on life.
Sickness can take away my body
But I will never give up my heart and soul.
Things happen for a reason.
The best thing that I can do now is to move forward
And forgive myself for the mistakes I've made.
I might not live as long as I would like to
But just being alive right now
Is something to be thankful for.
Like I've said before
I want to overcome obstacles,
Break through barriers,
And come out a hero.
I no longer have room for negativity in my life.
There must be worser things in the world
Than living with HIV.
Now I can learn to cherish everyday that is given to me.
I'll cherish the time I have to spend with friends and family.
I'll cherish waking up in the morning and seeing the sunrise.
Living with HIV
Doesn't have to be the end of the world.
It can be a new beginning.
I see this as an opportunity
To teach others to not make the same mistake that I've made
And to forgive themselves if they do.
This is pretty much all I wanted to say
But before I end this post...
There's just one more thing...
I have to tell you.
I refuse to give up on life.
Sickness can take away my body
But I will never give up my heart and soul.
Things happen for a reason.
The best thing that I can do now is to move forward
And forgive myself for the mistakes I've made.
I might not live as long as I would like to
But just being alive right now
Is something to be thankful for.
Like I've said before
I want to overcome obstacles,
Break through barriers,
And come out a hero.
I no longer have room for negativity in my life.
There must be worser things in the world
Than living with HIV.
Now I can learn to cherish everyday that is given to me.
I'll cherish the time I have to spend with friends and family.
I'll cherish waking up in the morning and seeing the sunrise.
Living with HIV
Doesn't have to be the end of the world.
It can be a new beginning.
I see this as an opportunity
To teach others to not make the same mistake that I've made
And to forgive themselves if they do.
This is pretty much all I wanted to say
But before I end this post...
There's just one more thing...
I have to tell you.
I am shocked to tell you this...
Because I couldn't believe it myself.
I am HIV negative.
Because I couldn't believe it myself.
I am HIV negative.
Current blog views: 6,336
Current followers: 116
43 comments:
your insight and outlook on life inspires my friend...Im glad things worked out for you.
hugs
justy,
you dog! you got me there.
God..u had me completely freaked!!!
Dude, you almost had me crying in public! (I definitely wouldn't have been able to come back to this tea shop again!) I'm glad that you're healthy, safe and sound.
I truly do enjoy your insightful and sensitive posts. I look forward to reading more from you.
Kenny
I am sure glad that you are OKAY! You gave us all a scare. PLEASE....NO UNPROTECTED SEX, YOU HEAR ME?
Ummm, I AM HIV+. And I don't really like having my heart jerked around like.
Take care of yourself and remember that sex is a little like Russian Roulette: everyone would be HIV+ but for the grace of finding a chamber that is empty.
:)
I'm awake and glad to be alive. Today is going to be awesome. I just know it. Cheers everyone!
@ David Allen Waters
Thanks David. I'm still shocked that the test came back HIV negative. I was so sure that I had HIV. I was getting ready to accept it and just try to make the most of it.
@ ^travis
Can't help it... I'm a clown sometimes haha.
@ Phunk Factor
That means that I have accomplished what I set out to do... freak people out and make them appreciate life a little more :)
@ K.C.
Haha, dude that's hilarious!
(but also kind of sweet)
@ Pat
Trust me, I am done with being promiscuous. The thought of having HIV was a nightmare. I've learned from my mistakes and there's no going back. I just want to move forward and gosh, I'm just really happy right now.
@ Writer
I'm sorry. Everything about this post - except for the ending -would have been the same if I had learned that I was HIV positive. I knew before getting tested that I would post about this experience and try to learn as much as I could from it. I used to judge people who became infected with HIV through careless sex but now I don't have the heart to do that anymore. Things could have easily been different and I would be living with HIV right now. It breaks my heart to know that there are people out there who have to live with HIV and AIDS.
Before getting tested for HIV, there was one thought that kept running through my mind: "I hope I live to see the day that a cure is found for HIV."
That thought still runs through my mind.
If someone reading this post thinks twice before having unprotected sex and stops them from being infected with HIV...
Well, that's all I could hope for.
Well, that'll teach me to put make-up on before I read your blog. I did, cry and then I cried more when I got to the end. I'm happy you're okay. Even though it may have unsettled some people a bit, I'm sure that once they go back and re-read the post they will see the love and compasion this whole expierence has brought out in you. You have such a mature outlook on life, yet you're able to enjoy it. That's why I love your blog.
Life itself is precious. Life is in constant danger of dieing, be it from an illness, or a random accident. Life should always be cherished and enjoyed to the fullest whether you are sick or not.
I'm glad that you've learned from this, where many don't, and continue to take the same chances.
Be Well & Be Happy
Hugs,
CoreyJo
u got me there... but i am glad you are not. that's the reason why i cant go on an open relationship which is very much in practice here in canada among gay couples.
God bless my friend!
JJRod'z
In the end, glad to hear that you're okay. But... do try to find out what's causing the sores and the lost of weight. That, or eat more steak! :)
As Pat said. I am not suggesting promiscuity, but you can be promiscuous and have safe sex too.
Oh! Don't do that to me! I was so scared at first.
I'm glad you're not. And I'm glad you made this post. No matter how much it freaked me out.
-driz
refreshsomething.blogspot.com
OK, you've been lectured, so all I can add is that I'm glad you're negative. Whew.
Peace <3
Jay
the last line was a relief. thank God. always be safe, man. :)
try to be a little more careful next time :)
Woo, you got me too.
I'm glad you're okay.
Hugs.
I just came back from watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part 2 with my younger brother and there's so much comments now. Wow!
@ CoreyJo
That was a long comment haha. It's very thoughtful and it made me smile. Thanks :)
Oh, and I'm sorry I made you cry and ruin your make-up. Is there waterproof make-up? Maybe you should go get some. haha joking.
@ JJ Roa Rodgriguez
Thanks JJ. I'm glad too. I admire that you stay away from open relationships.
@ Cup-o-Noodles
Love your username haha. The sores might be from... hmm... probably just a random cold sore out of nowhere. It's going away. And - this is a little embarassing - I think I lost weight because I've been spending a lot of time on my computer. I get consumed by the internet sometimes and pretty soon I forget to eat breakfast and lunch.
@ Andrew
You're right haha. But I've realized that the time I spent with guys could have been used instead to spend with people who actually care about me and know me... or studying for school! I wish I had studied more now that I think about it.
@ Drizzle
Awe, sorry about freaking you out. Now I'm trying to imagine a person freaking out LOL
@ Jay M.
Yes, I've been lectured but I love to listen and read everyone's comments. Thanks for reading Jay.
@ JC
I will definately be safe from now on. Count on it :)
@ Iamrei
Definately
@ Mark
Thanks. I probably would have been fooled too if someone else had posted this.
Now that you've learned the truth, it's a golden opportunity to make a difference in your life and the lives of others. Know the facts surrounding HIV/AIDS and share those with all around you whenever possible. You many prevent someone else from having the same experience.
Not telling anyone or family is the biggest mistake one could make.
You really got me there but am so fucking glad you are okay. (though it's only the first time i read your blog) Kinda been there and like you i'm tested negative but i got other sickness instead.
Hearing this from people I've come to know ALWAYS hit me hard!
I am so glad the news was good and I hope you don't lose sight of everything you processed on before you knew. Also, I hope you'll play safe from now on!
@ Roger Poladopoulos
It's still sinking in that I'm HIV negative. Yes, it would awesome to prevent someone else from having to go through that nightmare.
@ two horns child
"Not telling anyone or family is the biggest mistake one could make."
It would've been hard to tell them. I could imagine how much it would make them worry. Oh, and nice use of the f-word haha
@ thegayte-keeper
Wanna know somehing? I never thought much about HIV before becoming promiscuous. I used to judge people who indulged in promiscuous sex, but I don't have the heart to do that anymore since I've done it too. I wouldn't want anyone judging me for having promiscuous sex.
@ Mitch Block
Thanks for the advice :)
I don't see myself having "experiences" for a while. I'm just so glad to be alive right now and HIV negative.
You would think making them worried are bad or a hassle. Instead you would be surprised how supportive they would turn out to be. I am surprised my self. I guess it's their supports that got me through all these time. I am diagnosed with autoimmune disease in my eyes. I nearly got blind.
u had me going...Glad you have a positive outlook about this but I am also glad you are - Have a good weekend and try to be a good boy! xo
Good that all has worked out for the best. Enjoy every moment of life without squandering the time. Once lost its gone.
I'm off hiking in the mountains again on Saturday (Eagle Mountain, tomorrow). Check my blog for the latest photos. - Volker
What a powerful post... Like everyone else I was misty eyed--thinking of a good friend who has been HIV+ for the last 18 years, and of the many friends who have suffered from AIDS and passed into peace. I also had memories of my own fear when my doctor found a lump in my breast and thought it was cancer. Thank you for sharing the fear, the thought processes. Anyone who reads this will be touched and helped. And I join you in dreaming of a cure.
You said it, everything happens for a reason!
And no matter what, we're only at the mercy of our thoughts!
Our thoughts create our reality!
Hugs
Jon
Sad, But i love your positive outlook in life. never loose hope. God Bless!
hope u have learned this lesson
I'm pleased to hear your news, although I admit to being a bit freaked out on the way! Really - unsafe sex, isn't worth the risk. There, lesson over!
my world literally stops when i read the title. Thanks for the wake-up call.
Always love yourself more than those who love you, sex comes easy but it still doesn't tell you it's safe. I hope you never make the same mistake again my friend, you have a life so keep to the rules that keep you safe.
Thats one thing I wouldn't want you to be positive at ... and I am Glad the result came out negative.
OMG! I just found your blog and was in tears reading this for you! I am glad you are safe! Erin
www.healthybranscoms.com
Your condition is on an unbelievable height. I admire your courage. Stay brave. New visitor here. =)
i can totally relate to you!..i am hiv positive myself..i even had worst condition before i knew i had it, some died not knowing they had it so ur still lucky anyhow!..yes youre right.. the desease will take away every of your physical strenght but not your heart and soul...keep that positive outlook..and you be back on track again. this isnt a death sentence you have more years to live, it doesnt change your life much..only thing change is that youre gonna live life healthier more than ever!
okay, i just wanna tell you that it's okay to 'do'. I mean, it is undoubtedly a normal thing that a lot of people do BUT (there a BIG BUT there) know who you are having the "experience" with!
if you can't resist, just be safe and cover your thing below with some rubber. haha!
new follower here!
u scared me! thank god you are not positive!
and be careful next time :-)
Anu ka ba!!!!!!! Hahaha!!!
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I seriously, I'm almost in tears out of relief. Thank God.
.
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Please be careful from now on ;D
Thank God. :)
Wow! ;D
you really got me there!
Powerful stuff mister! Made me think about all the others who didn't get the same news. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Great blog too btw! :-)
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