I'm HIV Positive

I'm in shock right now.
My hope is that everyone who reads this learns to appreciate life a little more.

---

"I'm HIV positive."

That's what I told myself on Thursday night.  I didn't know for sure but I had a gut feeling.  I tried not to jump to conclusions as I browsed the internet of find out what the early symptoms of HIV are.  I usually have a positive outlook on things; however, the situation did not look good for me. 

I had many of the early symptoms of HIV.  My entire body was feeling weak and I had been sneezing a lot.  My mouth was feeling pain from a canker sore and I had what looked like mouth thrush.  I have also lost a lot of weight since the beginning of summer.  All of this was happening just four months after having my last unprotected "experience".  It had to be HIV.  

I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next day I attempted to get tested for HIV.  However, the health clinic sent me home early; they wouldn't have time to test me before closing time.  They told me to come back next week.  I left the clinic feeling miserable.

In the following days, I reflected on my situation:

What will I do with myself if I am HIV positive? 
Will I be miserable?
No, it might be hard but I don't want to give up my life. 
I'm stronger than that.

Should I tell my family? 
No, I would never do that. 
I'll keep it to myself. 
I don't want them to worry about me.

How long will I live?
I don't know, but I'll try to live as long as I can.
I want to live to see a cure for HIV.
I really do believe it's going to happen within my lifetime.

Finally I returned to the health clinic to get tested.  I arrived early to secure an appointment.  Fifteen minutes was all it took to find out if I was HIV positive. 

Sometimes things don't turn out how you want them to
And I cried myself to sleep again that night.

---

Despite any tears of sadness that I might shed from now on
I refuse to give up on life.
Sickness can take away my body
But I will never give up my heart and soul.


Things happen for a reason.
The best thing that I can do now is to move forward
And forgive myself for the mistakes I've made.


I might not live as long as I would like to
But just being alive right now 
Is something to be thankful for.


Like I've said before
I want to overcome obstacles,
Break through barriers,
And come out a hero.


I no longer have room for negativity in my life.
There must be worser things in the world
Than living with HIV.


Now I can learn to cherish everyday that is given to me.
I'll cherish the time I have to spend with friends and family.
I'll cherish waking up in the morning and seeing the sunrise.


Living with HIV
Doesn't have to be the end of the world.
It can be a new beginning.


I see this as an opportunity 
To teach others to not make the same mistake that I've made
And to forgive themselves if they do.


This is pretty much all I wanted to say


But before I end this post...


There's just one more thing...


I have to tell you.

I am shocked to tell you this...



Because I couldn't believe it myself.




 I am HIV negative.

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The Sketch of Another Tree

I'm feeling the sleepiness setting in but I want to post this before going to bed. 

As a result, I am here on my laptop and drinking hot cocoa again (just like this). 
Mmmm.




I feel the same way as the yellow M&M.
But before I go to bed, here is the story of what happened...

 

I was surprised earlier when my mom told me that she's leaving in a few hours to fly to the Philippines.  She said she'll be there for thirty days.  I was a little taken back; I knew that she likes to go on vacations, but I had no clue that she would be leaving for one so soon.  I'm pretty sure she hasn't told anyone else in the family.

After she told me this, I helped her tape up the cardboard box that she'll be taking with her on her trip.  After we were done taping it up, she said she was going to go to bed and she left the living room.

I stared at the box. 

I was thinking about how I hope my mom has a safe trip and also about how plain the box looked.  I took a marker from my art supply box and began to make a sketch on her box.  I remembered how special the drawing from The Sketch of a Tree was to me so I drew a tree again.  It took me about three minutes to complete and I felt better afterwards.

Now my mom's box didn't look so plain. 

My younger brother walked into the living room a couple minutes later and saw the box.  He must have realized that mom was going on another one of her spontaneous vacations.  Then he saw the sketch.

"Did you draw that?"

I told him yes.

"I like it.  It's really nice."

I couldn't help but smile.  Not only was I ecstatic to suddenly not feel annoyed by him - as I had been for the whole day - but I had also been thinking the same thing. 

My mom's going to love seeing that sketch on her box.




The sketch I made on my mom's cardboard box.





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A Memorable Graduation

At the end of my sophomore year in high school, I was inspired by a graduation speech made by a young lady.  She must have been one of the valedictorians.  I never cared much for the valedictorians speeches before, but this speech left me speechless.

I've never seen a graduation quite like this one.  I'll never forget it...

---



A picture I took that day
Friday June 3, 2005

---

My cousin Roel and I were enjoying the view as we sat on the stands at the school's outdoor stadium.

Thousands of family members and friends surrounded the handsomely green field on which the graduates were seated on.  In their hands, they held cameras, flower leis, posters, and colorful balloons... everything they needed to help celebrate this moment.

Beyond the green field and the school buildings, I could see the houses of the town and the mountains in the far distance.  I could even see the mountain where my dad would take me and my siblings hiking as kids.

Soothing melodies filled the air as the school band orchestrated the celebration music.  I thought about my younger brother, who was playing with them.  My cousin Roel and I wished that he was sitting next to us - the three of us called ourselves "The Three Musketeers" - but we also admired my younger brother's love for the band and his well-polished clarient.

Once in a while a balloon would escape its owner's hand and fly eagerly up towards the clouds.  I would point at it and the two of us would lightheartedly giggle at the balloon owner's misfortune.

The day was transforming into night as the sunset colors took over the sky.

I looked down at the high school graduates, who were organized neatly in rows.  They proudly wore magical-looking green robes and had exclusive graduation caps atop their heads.  They were young, brave soldiers uncertain about the future yet determined to step into it.

Four graduates stood up from their seats and headed over to the microphone stand; they must have been the valedictorians.   I noticed immediately that they were young woman; their gowns were shorter and they each had long hair and wore brightly white sandals. 

I have never cared much for valedictorian speeches but I payed attention anyways as they began to speak.  Humor filled the first girl's speech and I felt the crowd rumble with laughter.  Nervousness filled the second girl's speech and she became earthquake-shaky in her delivery.  The third girl took the stand and I anxiously waited to see how she would do. 

Would she be nervous, especially after hearing how nervous the second girl was?

The third girl began to speak and - whoa! - her voice instantly demanded the attention from everyone in the stadium.  Her words flowed into the crowd with a power that would make anyone stop and listen.  Her speech grabbed my attention, touched my heart, and took my breath away.  I looked my cousin in the eyes and smiled.  He smiled back at me.  He must have been thinking the same thing that I was thinking.

"Wow, she's amazing."

I listened carefully as the third girl concluded her speech.


Then I smiled and thought to myself...


"I'm proud of you sister."

---

My sister was one of the valedictorians at her high school graduation. 
I never cared much for the valedictorian speeches before but this one...

This one was special.  Now I always look forward to hearing the valedictorian speeches when I attend commencement ceremonies. 

I was so inspired by my sister that I drew this picture and gave it to her.  My dad helped me and used oil pastels to draw the mountains and the sunset.  I used the M&M characters as the graduates, because my sister's favorite candy is M&Ms. 

This is still one of my favorite drawings, because it always reminds me of that special day.

 

"M&M Graduation
Colored pencil and oil pastels on paper
June 2005

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"The Island Guy" Photography

My awkward pose LOL
Taken on the day I posted this post
August 2, 2011


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1.  Shave ice is from a place where my dad would often bring me and my siblings to when we were young kids.  (Read more about this picture here) 
June 17, 2007

2.  A way of having a more positive outlook on life.
September 25, 2010

3.  June 22, 2010

4.  The beach where my dad loves to go fishing.  (Click here for more pictures taken at this beach)
May 19, 2010

5.  August 5, 2009

6.  August 2, 2011

7.  The picture I used to make the banner for this blog.
September 25, 2010

8.  Pu'u Kalena Hike. This is where my dad would take me and my siblings hiking when we were kids. Read more about that here.
March 31, 2007


More to come in the future...