A Secret Letter

This is a letter that I'm writing to my sister-in-law.  She doesn't know about it and I won't show it to her until many years have passed.  I'll show it to her one day when she needs a smile the most.



My lovely sister-in-law
Taken on the day me and my dad got into the fight
Before we even knew there would be a fight
June 17, 2007

Dear sister-in-law,

Do you remember when we first met?  I was a junior in high school.
I was so young, always learning, and imperfect as can be.

My younger brother and I had finished school for the day and my older brother was picking us up.  The car pulled up next to us and there you sat in the passenger seat. 

We giggled at the sight of you
Because it looked like you could barely fit.
Because we were cruel.
Because we were still so young and learning.

We tried to calm ourselves down - before you could notice - as we got into the car.  I had a bag of delicious cookies that I had been eating but I stopped eating them; the sight of your fat arms made me sick and I was ready to throw up.

This is when we first met.  Do you remember?

Then you moved in with us a couple weeks later.  I noticed that you were somewhat lazy and didn't help much around the house.  You constantly picked fights with my older brother when he didn't do things your way.  You also smoked cigarettes regularly even though you had asthma, diabetes, and morbid obesity.  I tried to look past your flaws, because I wanted to believe that you were more than what you appeared to be.  A year passed and I was still searching for something that would prove to the world that you're not such a bad person. 

Then the fight happened.  Do you remember?

It happened a couple weeks after I came out to my dad.  The three of us - me, you, and my dad - were headed home from the beach.  My dad was criticizing my driving skills and ettiquete.  He said I was a rude person.  I had no idea why he was so angry at me and I told him I was trying my best.  Out of nowhere he started yelling at me about how being gay is wrong.  I quickly realized that the real reason behind his anger was because he was upset about me being gay.  His anger continued to escalate and he hit me while I was driving.

Do you remember?  You said you were scared.  I was too.

We arrived home and my siblings saw the tears in my eyes. 
They were silent and let me have my peace. 

But you...

You became my hero that day when you came to my side.
You asked if I was okay and gave me comfort.

I have wholeheartedly forgiven my dad.
And I can forget about what he did that day.
But I will never forget about what you did that day.

It is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

After that day we became very close friends and side-by-side we slowly learned to become better people from each other.  I've watched you morph into a more positive person.  You've become more warm and more kind to others.

You have helped me learn that I need to be more accepting of other people if I want them to be accepting of who I am.  I know people give you nasty looks for being overweight.  Do you remember when we were eating at Jack-In-The-Box and those people kept staring at you?  At times like those, I'll gladly be by your side to comfort you.

I can't wait to have our next chocolate milk party.

Sincerely, Justy





Another picture we took on that day
Damn that shave ice tasted good



p.s. The two of us enjoyed throwing what we call "chocolate milk parties".  They usually happened late at night when everyone else was sleeping.  The two of us would drink as much chocolate milk as we wanted.  We would bang our mugs together and toast and laugh about how silly we were being.  Sometimes we would have cookies too.

She's in Texas right now with my older brother (he's stationed there for the army) so we haven't had a chocolate milk party in a while.  It's been about four months since I've seen her.

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Jordan Bites and The Hole of Empty Feelings

After the much-welcomed response to my narrative The Giant Wave, I have decided to dive into a world of fiction and launch a series of children stories about a kid explorer named Jordan Bites.  The energetic, bright Jordan Bites enjoys going on adventures where he overcomes obstacles, breaks through barriers, and comes out a hero... just in time to make it home for dinner!  Each Jordan Bites story will be loosely inspired by events that have happened to me in real life and become metaphors for the trials and tribulations of my life. 

I now present to you the story of Jordan Bites and the Hole of Empty Feelings.



Jordan Bites walking through the meadow
Colored pencil on paper
 July 24, 2011



---

Jordan Bites was venturing through a vast, bright-green meadow. 

This land was foreign to the young fella; he's never wandered so far from home.  He was mildly afraid of the rare mini-monsters that roamed the far reaches of the wilderness, but he was a bravely-curious kid and ready for new experiences. 

It was the perfect summer's day.  The luscious grass swayed side to side with the calm, relaxing breeze.  Yellow butterflies luminescently danced in the air as the sunlight majestically beamed down from the light-blue sky above.  Jordan closed his eyes for a moment to feel the sunlight's warmth on his face. 

He was innocently unaware of what was about to happen.

Without warning, Jordan's foot struck an ancient, well-preserved log that had occupied this space for centuries and he began to violently topple over.  Instinctively, Jordan braced himself for the impact.  For a split second he felt the green, luscious grass as it gently and lightly brushed against his skin.  Jordan wholeheartedly expected to slam into the hard ground beneath the grass but instead he felt...

Empty air?

A giant hole had been hidden by the overgrown grass and Jordan was quickly slipping into it.  He tried grabbing at the grass - it was his last hope - but the soft grass quickly uprooted and he hopelessly fell into the hole.

"AHHHHH!" yelled Jordan. 

Gravity seized control of the young man's body and he was falling into the unknown, going deeper and deeper until...

Plop! 

Jordan had landed on some kind of... bed?  Jordan felt it with his fingers.  He instantly knew what it was as it gently tangled around his fingers; it was dead grass.  They still felt soft, just like the ones he had felt in the meadow.  Maybe they were enchanted with a spell of some kind.  The thought quickly drifted from Jordan's mind as reality set in.

A sinister darkness was surrounding him.

Jordan's heart began to pound rapidly.  A wave of air rushed over his skin and he suddenly felt cold.  Above him - about twenty feet up -  he could slightly make out the hole that he had fallen through.  The meadow's overgrown grass was covering most of the hole and a very weak beam of light was meekly penetrating into the darkness.

"HELP!" yelled Jordan. 

After a minute of yelling profusely, he gave up.  It was pointless; he was audible to no one.  Everything in the darkness fell to silence. 

Jordan suddenly felt very lonely.  He was usually okay with being alone - he was a lone wolf by heart - but this loneliness frightened him.  He took a seat on the soft grass as his eyes began to water.  He had fallen into a deep hole and saw no path to freedom.  He was a hostage, a young soldier locked away and held captive in an underground dungeon.

Jordan thought about what would become of him as he wiped the tears from his eyes.  He was scared; mini-monsters could be living here.  Jordan shivered as he felt another wave of air rush over his skin. 

"That's strange," he thought.  Jordan looked up at the hole again; it was still covered by grass.  So where was the wind coming from?  Jordan thought about this for a second when it occured to him that...

There must be another opening somewhere!

Jordan sprang to his feet.  A wave of hope began coursing through his body.  He waited patiently for the next rush of air.  After a few seconds it came and tickled him.

Brr.  It felt cold.

The wind had playfully poked Jordan on the left side of his body.  He turned to the left and began to carefully march forward.  Jordan stopped after a few steps to concentrate on the breeze again.  Maybe - with fingers crossed - the wind will lead him to a way out.  It was worth the try.

Jordan blindly and cautiously navigated through the darkness using the direction of the breeze.  After a few steps he could no longer feel the soft, dead grass beneath his feet.  He kept his arms extended in front of him in fear of bumping his head into something, but there was nothing there to feel.  It was as if the only thing that existed here were darkness.

Jordan wished this empty feeling would disappear.

It was strange, but he swore that he could hear the wind whispering in his ear.  It was speaking to him and saying, "Follow me.  I know the way out."  Jordan wondered that maybe it was common for people to fall into this dark hole.  Maybe the wind was enchanted to help lead the estray back into the light.

The determined boy continued to stumble through the dark for what seemed like hours.  Jordan was now feeling increasingly thirsty, and he was beginning to hallucinate about white dancing doves ahead of him.  The dreadful darkness felt everlasting, but Jordan continued to hope that freedom was waiting to embrace him just around the corner.

Wait!  Was that light far-off in the distance?

Jordan began sprinting toward it.  He thought he had been hallucinating.  Was this it?  Was he finally going to escape the darkness?  The source of light was inching closer and closer until finally...

Jordan broke through a small opening on a hillside and stood there, panting and out of breath.  He was standing in another meadow.  The sunlight was majestically beaming down from the sky above and Jordan could feel its warmth on his face once again.  He felt the cool, relaxing breeze lightly touch his skin as it spoke to him one last time.

"Congratulations, you're free."

Jordan broke into a sprint; it was a sprint of happiness.
He couldn't wait to get back home. 

---

I hope you guys enjoyed the story. 
It was inspired by my fall to promiscuity and my escape from it.

Playful way of depicting the promiscuous person I saw in myself
Original photo taken on April 4, 2011 

A year and a half ago I became a promiscuous person.

Just like Jordan Bites, I had wandered off.  I had fallen into a deep hole and couldn't see a way out.  The sunlight - my hope - barely reached into that hole.  I was lost, but my heart (in the story, the wind) showed me that there was a way out.   Looking back now, I'm glad I decided to fight for a way out of the darkness just like the way Jordan Bites did in the story.  

Now I feel as if I am joyously sprinting away from the darkness.

Most importantly, I hope you guys enjoyed the story.  I thought of the name "Jordan Bites" one day and thought it would be neat to use it in some sort of children's story.  Making up the first Jordan Bites adventure was fun and the story turned out better than I thought it would.  I look forward to sharing another Jordan Bites story with you guys in the future.



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The Uneasy Feeling

Back in high school, I was very insecure and awkward.  Rough times.  I spent a considerable amount of time worrying about my sexuality.  It was a secret and I wanted it to remain that way.  This is one of many experiences where I became terrified that my secret would be revealed.  

"Hey kiddo!  Come upstairs!"

Aunt Sue was eagerly inviting me upstairs to grab some food to eat.  My extended family lived upstairs.  I wasn't sure if they had suspicions about my sexuality.  However, when you're trying so hard to conceal a secret, the paranoia begins to set in.  Being upstairs made me feel uneasy. 

I decided to not think so hard and go upstairs anyways.  To be polite.

The food was on the dinner table where my grandpa, my cousin, Uncle D, and Aunt Sue were sitting.  I grabbed a plate and proceeded to fill it with a myriad of food.  I was hoping for a simple grab and go. 

Then out of nowhere, Uncle D asked me a question.

"Do you want a girlfriend?"

"No." 

My mistake.

"Do you want a boyfriend?"

I froze.  I couldn't let them know that I was gay.  I told myself to just stay calm.  All eyes were on me. 

"No."

I tried to look relaxed but I'm sure my hands were slightly shaking.  I finished filling my plate with food before dashing away into the comfort of my living room.

Coming Out to My Dad

I was a senior in high school when I came out to my dad.   It was a month before graduation and I felt that coming out would be a great way to start my post high school life.  This took place about 4 years ago.


"How are you feeling dad?"

"I'm doing well.  Don't worry about me."

My sister, younger brother, and I were visting my dad, who was recovering from surgery in the hospital.   By the looks of him - sitting up in bed, smiling, joking with us - it looked as if he would be good as new in no time.  The three of us hanged out in his room for a bit and kept him company.  It must get lonely in the hospital; I was glad to be there for him.  After a while, my two siblings left to pick up my older brother.  He had just finished work and he wanted to see dad too.  I decided to stay back so that my dad wouldn't have to be alone.

Then it was just me and my dad.  Suddenly a thought came to me...  This would be the perfect time to tell my dad that I'm gay.  I wanted my dad to be the first to know.  I felt that if I could tell him that I was gay then I could tell anyone.  This was going to be a challenge.

My dad and I watched TV as we lightly conversed.  My hands were beginning to sweat as I silently thought about how to break the news to my dad.  The minutes were wasting away and soon an hour had passed.  I was scared of telling him, because I knew he would be disappointed at the news.

I was also scared of wasting this opportunity.  If I was serious about telling my dad, I would have to do it soon because my siblings were going to return any minute now.  Finally I said something.

"Hey dad,  if I had a problem, you would want me to tell you right?" 

As soon as those words had escaped my mouth, he knew something wasn't right.  I had never asked my dad that question before.  It felt all too personal and my eyes began to tear up.

My dad replied, "Of course.  What is it?"

I started crying. 

"What's wrong?"  My dad was now genuinely concerned. 

I said slowly, "I'm... I'm..."

And he knew. 
I didn't have to say anything else.
He had figured it out. 

I wanted him to hug me and tell me that it was alright, but he didn't do that.  He began to lecture me about how homosexuality was a sin.  Tears were silently streaming down my cheeks as I listened. 

Afterwards, I stepped outside to wait for my siblings to return.  Thoughts were racing through my head.  Maybe my dad was right.  Is being gay a sin?  Am I flawed for being attracted to other guys?  I didn't know the answers to these questions but I wished that I did.