Sunday, June 26, 2011

Coming Out to My Dad

I was a senior in high school when I came out to my dad.   It was a month before graduation and I felt that coming out would be a great way to start my post high school life.  This took place about 4 years ago.

"How are you feeling dad?"

"I'm doing well.  Don't worry about me."

My sister, younger brother, and I were visting my dad, who was recovering from surgery in the hospital.   By the looks of him - sitting up in bed, smiling, joking with us - it looked as if he would be good as new in no time.  The three of us hanged out in his room for a bit and kept him company.  It must get lonely in the hospital; I was glad to be there for him.  After a while, my two siblings left to pick up my older brother.  He had just finished work and he wanted to see dad too.  I decided to stay back so that my dad wouldn't have to be alone.

Then it was just me and my dad.  Suddenly a thought came to me...  This would be the perfect time to tell my dad that I'm gay.  I wanted my dad to be the first to know.  I felt that if I could tell him that I was gay then I could tell anyone.  This was going to be a challenge.

My dad and I watched TV as we lightly conversed.  My hands were beginning to sweat as I silently thought about how to break the news to my dad.  The minutes were wasting away and soon an hour had passed.  I was scared of telling him, because I knew he would be disappointed at the news.

I was also scared of wasting this opportunity.  If I was serious about telling my dad, I would have to do it soon because my siblings were going to return any minute now.  Finally I said something.

"Hey dad,  if I had a problem, you would want me to tell you right?" 

As soon as those words had escaped my mouth, he knew something wasn't right.  I had never asked my dad that question before.  It felt all too personal and my eyes began to tear up.

My dad replied, "Of course.  What is it?"

I started crying. 

"What's wrong?"  My dad was now genuinely concerned. 

I said slowly, "I'm... I'm..."

And he knew. 
I didn't have to say anything else.
He had figured it out. 

I wanted him to hug me and tell me that it was alright, but he didn't do that.  He began to lecture me about how homosexuality was a sin.  Tears were silently streaming down my cheeks as I listened. 

Afterwards, I stepped outside to wait for my siblings to return.  Thoughts were racing through my head.  Maybe my dad was right.  Is being gay a sin?  Am I flawed for being attracted to other guys?  I didn't know the answers to these questions but I wished that I did.


dabo said...

Welcome to blogworld.

Is being gay a sin?

A few centuries ago, meaning, Medieval, a young girl as as young with breast starting to spout off their chest was okayed to marry in Church. Today that is pedophilia etc..etc.. It was also okay to burned women, almosy half a million of them in Europe with blessings of whatever church..

At least Dad lectured you, he said what he thinks he knows the best for you.. and thank him for that.

Anyway do not put too much emphasis on homosexuality, just be yourself. Know what is there to know.

the.island.guy said...

Thanks for the comment
Yes, my sexuality is just a fraction of who I am and in real life, I've never treated it as if it were the absolute most important thing a person should know about me.

Prop said...

so, what happened after that confession? i mean the days after that...weeks and months.. =D

the.island.guy said...

@ Prop

Hehe. I'll post more posts in the future about that. Stay tuned : )

Tristan Tan said...

I wish I was as strong as you. Don't worry, everything will work out just fine. Hugs.

Tara said...

Nice blog :) and dont worry, everythings gonna b fine :)

X Tara

Phunk Factor said...

And this is exactly why i am scared of coming out to my dad!

I feel/know my dad won't understand....and i guess that is what it is for most of them!

They don't know what we go thru and the struggles we face...while they do have our best interests at heart...they do not realize tht we aren't this way by's just one of those things that is in the color of our eyes!

naturgesetz said...

"Is being gay a sin? Am I flawed for being attracted to other guys? I didn't know the answers to these questions but I wished that I did."

Congratulations for asking these questions. Here's how it seems to me.

"Is being gay a sin?" We've got to be clear on what "being gay" means and what sin is. First, what's sin. Sin is a choice to do something wrong or not to do something that is required. So for something to be a sin something has to be wrong, we have to know it's wrong, and we choose to do it anyway.

This means that even if it's wrong but we don't know it through no fault of our own, it's not a sin even if we do it. Of course we should try to learn what's right and wrong. That's called forming a right conscience.

It also means that if we aren't free to choose what we do, it's not a sin even if it is wrong. For example, if a criminal is in your house holding a gun to your mother's head and the police come to the door and ask if he's there, you aren't as free to tell them as you would be if he weren't threatening her. Addictions can diminish our freedom. Psychological conditions can diminish our freedom.

Now, what does "being gay" mean? If it means being attracted to other guys, it can't be a sin, because you are not free to choose it. If it means having sex with other guys, that is something you can choose to do or not (unless you're being raped), so if it is wrong, it's a sin.

I think it's wrong because I believe God created sex as the way for husband and wife to become one flesh in the sex act which makes them the bodily image and likeness of God in a way which surpasses all others. Just as the persons of the Trinity are united in a permanent love for one another, and in that love they create the world and human persons, so the husband and wife show their permanent love in a bodily fashion which can procreate new persons. Same sex activity cannot be physically fruitful, so it cannot be the bodily image of God's fruitful, life-giving love. So it is a misuse of our sexual ability. (Biology tells us the same thing. The sex organs are part of the reproductive system. So using them in a way which can never reproduce is not in accord with their biological purpose. But for those who believe in God, it is much more meaningful to realize that there is more than mere biology at stake. It's about imaging God in ways he created us to.)

Comment is too long, More to come.

naturgesetz said...

Here's the rest.

So are you and I flawed for being attracted to other guys? I think so, but it's no big deal as long as we don't try to pretend that it's not a flaw. Lots of people are flawed in lots of different ways. The thing we have to do, as people with other flaws of body or mind have to do is to learn to live with our flaws in the best way we can. Our flaw is one which makes a particular form of sexual sin attractive to us. Other people are attracted to other sexual sins. We all have to learn to be in control of our appetites. And we gay people have to learn to love without having sex.

I've known I'm gay for 52 years. I haven't had sex with anybody, male or female, even though there are lots of guys I've found attractive.

If you understand that having sex with guys is wrong, there are things you can do to try to avoid sin and live a holy life. You can get support from Courage International.
You can look for good friends, gay or straight, that you can be close to, that you can truly love, without having sex, because having people you can share your thoughts and feelings with — what is called emotional intimacy — is probably more important for happiness that having sex with someone.

If you're not sure about what's right and wrong, I recommend looking into Pope John Paul II's scripture-based Theology of the Body, which he develops from the Gospels and the first chapters of Genesis. Courage International may also have resources.

Finally, let me say that you must always keep in mind that God loves you, just as you are. He always has and always will. He loves you so much he wants to be part of your life and he wants you to be part of his life. He loves you so much he sent Jesus to take away your sins, make it possible for you to be holy, and give you eternal life. So do not despair. Do not ever despair. Trust God, try to live as you should, and accept his forgiveness if you sin. Keep trying and keep trusting.

God bless you.

Bravone said...

Dang, not having the love and acceptance of family is so hard. Hopefully love will end up winning the day.

Best wishes,

SpiritMountainGuy said...

Just accept the way you are. There are reasons for everything under the sun. To do good, to be kind and thoughtful toward others is the best we can do. To hurt others, physically or mentally, is wrong.

If we're born gay, then there is nothing we can do to change this any more that we can change other things about ourselves, like our true hair colour or eye colour, the colour of our skin, etc. Just be who you are. It'll be a far better world when everyone is honest and forthright.

You're on the right track! - V