The Uneasy Feeling

Back in high school, I was very insecure and awkward.  Rough times.  I spent a considerable amount of time worrying about my sexuality.  It was a secret and I wanted it to remain that way.  This is one of many experiences where I became terrified that my secret would be revealed.  

"Hey kiddo!  Come upstairs!"

Aunt Sue was eagerly inviting me upstairs to grab some food to eat.  My extended family lived upstairs.  I wasn't sure if they had suspicions about my sexuality.  However, when you're trying so hard to conceal a secret, the paranoia begins to set in.  Being upstairs made me feel uneasy. 

I decided to not think so hard and go upstairs anyways.  To be polite.

The food was on the dinner table where my grandpa, my cousin, Uncle D, and Aunt Sue were sitting.  I grabbed a plate and proceeded to fill it with a myriad of food.  I was hoping for a simple grab and go. 

Then out of nowhere, Uncle D asked me a question.

"Do you want a girlfriend?"

"No." 

My mistake.

"Do you want a boyfriend?"

I froze.  I couldn't let them know that I was gay.  I told myself to just stay calm.  All eyes were on me. 

"No."

I tried to look relaxed but I'm sure my hands were slightly shaking.  I finished filling my plate with food before dashing away into the comfort of my living room.

Coming Out to My Dad

I was a senior in high school when I came out to my dad.   It was a month before graduation and I felt that coming out would be a great way to start my post high school life.  This took place about 4 years ago.


"How are you feeling dad?"

"I'm doing well.  Don't worry about me."

My sister, younger brother, and I were visting my dad, who was recovering from surgery in the hospital.   By the looks of him - sitting up in bed, smiling, joking with us - it looked as if he would be good as new in no time.  The three of us hanged out in his room for a bit and kept him company.  It must get lonely in the hospital; I was glad to be there for him.  After a while, my two siblings left to pick up my older brother.  He had just finished work and he wanted to see dad too.  I decided to stay back so that my dad wouldn't have to be alone.

Then it was just me and my dad.  Suddenly a thought came to me...  This would be the perfect time to tell my dad that I'm gay.  I wanted my dad to be the first to know.  I felt that if I could tell him that I was gay then I could tell anyone.  This was going to be a challenge.

My dad and I watched TV as we lightly conversed.  My hands were beginning to sweat as I silently thought about how to break the news to my dad.  The minutes were wasting away and soon an hour had passed.  I was scared of telling him, because I knew he would be disappointed at the news.

I was also scared of wasting this opportunity.  If I was serious about telling my dad, I would have to do it soon because my siblings were going to return any minute now.  Finally I said something.

"Hey dad,  if I had a problem, you would want me to tell you right?" 

As soon as those words had escaped my mouth, he knew something wasn't right.  I had never asked my dad that question before.  It felt all too personal and my eyes began to tear up.

My dad replied, "Of course.  What is it?"

I started crying. 

"What's wrong?"  My dad was now genuinely concerned. 

I said slowly, "I'm... I'm..."

And he knew. 
I didn't have to say anything else.
He had figured it out. 

I wanted him to hug me and tell me that it was alright, but he didn't do that.  He began to lecture me about how homosexuality was a sin.  Tears were silently streaming down my cheeks as I listened. 

Afterwards, I stepped outside to wait for my siblings to return.  Thoughts were racing through my head.  Maybe my dad was right.  Is being gay a sin?  Am I flawed for being attracted to other guys?  I didn't know the answers to these questions but I wished that I did.

Welcome Welcome Welcome!

So here I am. 

I've blogged a handful of times before and now I'm looking to settle down.  This website looks awesome!

My goal:  To become more comfortable with who I am.
There are a couple things that I feel insecure about, one of them being my sexuality. Admitting to myself that I'm gay has been a struggle I must admit.

Taking in the sunshine on a deserted beach

I'm usually the keep-to-himself guy but lately the idea of becoming more comfortable with who I am and opening myself to others has grown on me.

So here I am.  Cheers : )