Fan Mail

This morning I checked my email and I found a fan mail in my inbox.

It made me smile and now I feel inspired to add a "Fan Mail" link to my navigation bar. 

Enjoy.

---

Justy, just ran into your blog, very cool. I see you have a lot of love already happening, it was comforting reading about you and how open and honest you are~ I feel like I'm not the only one on this crazy island with similar thoughts and feelings when it comes to being gay. I applaud you on your work and grateful- quite an inspiration =) I am considering doing a blog myself. Love lots, thanks a lot, take care =)

~n8 

p.s. I'll add more fan mail to this post in the future.

Me

Here's a random pic of me.

My sister gave me this haircut a year ago.

I thought I'd do something different and try it out. 

I kinda miss it haha.

August 17, 2010

 Current page views: 16,842
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A Caring Dad

During engineering class yesterday, I noticed a young boy - maybe around seven years old - sitting in the front row of the auditorium.  I wondered to myself:  Why is there a boy sitting there?

Then I realized that it must be my professor's son. 

Toward the end of the lecture, my professor told his son to stand up in front of all the students and help him with a teaching demonstration.  During the demonstration, my professor's face was painted with a goofy smile that displayed his immense happiness of having his little kid around. 

There was something magical about watching my professor acting fatherly in the classroom. 

I remember my first impression of him on the first day of school:  strict and too serious.  Over time, however, that impression of him broke down and a new impression of him developed.  He started to become more of a father-figure and more of someone I could look up to.  He even became handsome...

Oh gosh, I never thought I'd say that.

During the demonstration, I looked around at  the other students' faces and they too were smiling.  The mood of the classroom at this instant felt different.  It felt more friendly, more comfortable.  It exuded a feeling of being at home with loved ones.

It was a feeling that everyone in the world should experience.

---

As I sit here typing this out on my laptop, I wonder to myself: Will I ever be a father?  If so, would I be a good one? 

I envy my professor not because I don't have that relationship with my dad but because I question if I'll be a good dad to my children someday...

How do children cope with having gay parents? 
With having no mom or no dad?
Will they fare well with other children teasing them for having gay parents? 
Or is it something that they'll be willing to lie about to keep it a secret?
Will they come to secretly despise having gay parents?
Will other people question the safety of a young boy in the hands of two gay men?

Although I'd love to be a dad someday, I don't want to have children if I'm not ready to handle all the challenges that gay parents face.  That would be a huge mess...

Because it's an uphill battle.



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"The Island Guy" Art

January 8, 2008

Do you love me?
More than you could ever know.




"Nice Guys"
December 21, 2007

I drew this from a picture of the Wong Fu Productions' members: Phil, Wes, and Ted.
I was in full admiration of their friendship; it's something that anyone would want.




"The Sketch Of A Tree"
July 18, 2011

A little sketch I made one day... read about it here.




"What Makes A Man"
March 27, 2009

My friend drew this.
Read about it here.




"The Sketch Of Another Tree"
August 8, 2011

Read about this sketch here.




"M&M Graduation"
June 2007

Read about this drawing here.

Jordan Bites walking through the meadow

Colored pencil on paper

July 24, 2011

Read about this drawing here.        

  Cartoons I made Pen May 4, 2013       Updates coming in the future...

Hiking Up Memories



Taken the last time we went hiking.
March 31, 2007



About three months ago, I was doing some summer cleaning when I came across a paper: an old college assignment. 

During my freshmen year of college, I had to write about a family tradition for my English 100 class.  I thought it would be awesome to write about hiking with my family.  After pondering over why I loved hiking with my famiy, I wrote something simple yet meaningful:

Hiking Up Memories

Written on January 29, 2008

_______________________________________________________________



I will always remember going on long hikes with my family.  I was in the first grade when we first discovered the hiking trail on Schofield near Kolekole Pass.  Since then, we have climbed to the top countless times.  I have probably hiked up that trail more than the number of times I have done my own laundry.



There are many things that make hiking a family activity that I will always remember.  Racing my older brother to the top, enjoying snacks with my family, and making sure wild pigs don't attack us are some of them.  Most importantly, it helps bring me closer to my family.  Reaching the top is something we accomplish together.



Reaching the top is always the best part of the hike.  Butterflies and dragonflies flutter about and the clouds roll along in the blue sky above.  All around, the bushes and wild grass swing side to side with the calm breeze.  Looking down one side of the mountain you see the town of Wahiawa and the pineapple fields.  On the other side, you can see the beach and the ocean.  I feel like the king of the world up there; yet at the same time, it is humbling to see how small you are compared to everything else.

Once when we went hiking, my aunt Remy followed along.  She brought along a video camcorder and recorded us hiking to the top.  I remember thinking to myself that I will probably watch that video someday and laugh at myself. 

I was right.



When I look back and watch the video, it makes me laugh to see how silly me and my siblings were as we hiked up the mountain that day.  I hope that my future is filled with fun adventures, just like when I go hiking with my family.

_______________________________________________________________



My little brother walked into my room and saw the paper on my bed.  He asked if he could read it.  I said sure and he eagerly grabbed the paper and went into the living room.  I heard my little brother, sister, and my dad laughing as they read my paper. 

A few weeks later, my sister read the paper again.  I could see the smile on her face as she read it.  She told me afterwards that she enjoys reading it. 

I know why.  It's the same reason why I enjoy reading it:  We had fun going on those family hikes.

I miss going hiking up there.  The last time I went hiking there was when I about to graduate from high school (around the time that I came out to my dad).  I have a feeling that we'll be going hiking up there sometime soon.  I'll keep my fingers crossed.



Me dancing while eating a corndog.
I look so silly haha.
Taken from the video that my aunt Remy took.



P.S.  This is the same hike that I mentioned in A Memorable Graduation. 

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The Sketch of Another Tree

I'm feeling the sleepiness setting in but I want to post this before going to bed. 

As a result, I am here on my laptop and drinking hot cocoa again (just like this). 
Mmmm.




I feel the same way as the yellow M&M.
But before I go to bed, here is the story of what happened...

 

I was surprised earlier when my mom told me that she's leaving in a few hours to fly to the Philippines.  She said she'll be there for thirty days.  I was a little taken back; I knew that she likes to go on vacations, but I had no clue that she would be leaving for one so soon.  I'm pretty sure she hasn't told anyone else in the family.

After she told me this, I helped her tape up the cardboard box that she'll be taking with her on her trip.  After we were done taping it up, she said she was going to go to bed and she left the living room.

I stared at the box. 

I was thinking about how I hope my mom has a safe trip and also about how plain the box looked.  I took a marker from my art supply box and began to make a sketch on her box.  I remembered how special the drawing from The Sketch of a Tree was to me so I drew a tree again.  It took me about three minutes to complete and I felt better afterwards.

Now my mom's box didn't look so plain. 

My younger brother walked into the living room a couple minutes later and saw the box.  He must have realized that mom was going on another one of her spontaneous vacations.  Then he saw the sketch.

"Did you draw that?"

I told him yes.

"I like it.  It's really nice."

I couldn't help but smile.  Not only was I ecstatic to suddenly not feel annoyed by him - as I had been for the whole day - but I had also been thinking the same thing. 

My mom's going to love seeing that sketch on her box.




The sketch I made on my mom's cardboard box.





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A Memorable Graduation

At the end of my sophomore year in high school, I was inspired by a graduation speech made by a young lady.  She must have been one of the valedictorians.  I never cared much for the valedictorians speeches before, but this speech left me speechless.

I've never seen a graduation quite like this one.  I'll never forget it...

---



A picture I took that day
Friday June 3, 2005

---

My cousin Roel and I were enjoying the view as we sat on the stands at the school's outdoor stadium.

Thousands of family members and friends surrounded the handsomely green field on which the graduates were seated on.  In their hands, they held cameras, flower leis, posters, and colorful balloons... everything they needed to help celebrate this moment.

Beyond the green field and the school buildings, I could see the houses of the town and the mountains in the far distance.  I could even see the mountain where my dad would take me and my siblings hiking as kids.

Soothing melodies filled the air as the school band orchestrated the celebration music.  I thought about my younger brother, who was playing with them.  My cousin Roel and I wished that he was sitting next to us - the three of us called ourselves "The Three Musketeers" - but we also admired my younger brother's love for the band and his well-polished clarient.

Once in a while a balloon would escape its owner's hand and fly eagerly up towards the clouds.  I would point at it and the two of us would lightheartedly giggle at the balloon owner's misfortune.

The day was transforming into night as the sunset colors took over the sky.

I looked down at the high school graduates, who were organized neatly in rows.  They proudly wore magical-looking green robes and had exclusive graduation caps atop their heads.  They were young, brave soldiers uncertain about the future yet determined to step into it.

Four graduates stood up from their seats and headed over to the microphone stand; they must have been the valedictorians.   I noticed immediately that they were young woman; their gowns were shorter and they each had long hair and wore brightly white sandals. 

I have never cared much for valedictorian speeches but I payed attention anyways as they began to speak.  Humor filled the first girl's speech and I felt the crowd rumble with laughter.  Nervousness filled the second girl's speech and she became earthquake-shaky in her delivery.  The third girl took the stand and I anxiously waited to see how she would do. 

Would she be nervous, especially after hearing how nervous the second girl was?

The third girl began to speak and - whoa! - her voice instantly demanded the attention from everyone in the stadium.  Her words flowed into the crowd with a power that would make anyone stop and listen.  Her speech grabbed my attention, touched my heart, and took my breath away.  I looked my cousin in the eyes and smiled.  He smiled back at me.  He must have been thinking the same thing that I was thinking.

"Wow, she's amazing."

I listened carefully as the third girl concluded her speech.


Then I smiled and thought to myself...


"I'm proud of you sister."

---

My sister was one of the valedictorians at her high school graduation. 
I never cared much for the valedictorian speeches before but this one...

This one was special.  Now I always look forward to hearing the valedictorian speeches when I attend commencement ceremonies. 

I was so inspired by my sister that I drew this picture and gave it to her.  My dad helped me and used oil pastels to draw the mountains and the sunset.  I used the M&M characters as the graduates, because my sister's favorite candy is M&Ms. 

This is still one of my favorite drawings, because it always reminds me of that special day.

 

"M&M Graduation
Colored pencil and oil pastels on paper
June 2005

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"The Island Guy" Photography

My awkward pose LOL
Taken on the day I posted this post
August 2, 2011


1 2 3 4 5 6
78



1.  Shave ice is from a place where my dad would often bring me and my siblings to when we were young kids.  (Read more about this picture here) 
June 17, 2007

2.  A way of having a more positive outlook on life.
September 25, 2010

3.  June 22, 2010

4.  The beach where my dad loves to go fishing.  (Click here for more pictures taken at this beach)
May 19, 2010

5.  August 5, 2009

6.  August 2, 2011

7.  The picture I used to make the banner for this blog.
September 25, 2010

8.  Pu'u Kalena Hike. This is where my dad would take me and my siblings hiking when we were kids. Read more about that here.
March 31, 2007


More to come in the future...

A Secret Letter

This is a letter that I'm writing to my sister-in-law.  She doesn't know about it and I won't show it to her until many years have passed.  I'll show it to her one day when she needs a smile the most.



My lovely sister-in-law
Taken on the day me and my dad got into the fight
Before we even knew there would be a fight
June 17, 2007

Dear sister-in-law,

Do you remember when we first met?  I was a junior in high school.
I was so young, always learning, and imperfect as can be.

My younger brother and I had finished school for the day and my older brother was picking us up.  The car pulled up next to us and there you sat in the passenger seat. 

We giggled at the sight of you
Because it looked like you could barely fit.
Because we were cruel.
Because we were still so young and learning.

We tried to calm ourselves down - before you could notice - as we got into the car.  I had a bag of delicious cookies that I had been eating but I stopped eating them; the sight of your fat arms made me sick and I was ready to throw up.

This is when we first met.  Do you remember?

Then you moved in with us a couple weeks later.  I noticed that you were somewhat lazy and didn't help much around the house.  You constantly picked fights with my older brother when he didn't do things your way.  You also smoked cigarettes regularly even though you had asthma, diabetes, and morbid obesity.  I tried to look past your flaws, because I wanted to believe that you were more than what you appeared to be.  A year passed and I was still searching for something that would prove to the world that you're not such a bad person. 

Then the fight happened.  Do you remember?

It happened a couple weeks after I came out to my dad.  The three of us - me, you, and my dad - were headed home from the beach.  My dad was criticizing my driving skills and ettiquete.  He said I was a rude person.  I had no idea why he was so angry at me and I told him I was trying my best.  Out of nowhere he started yelling at me about how being gay is wrong.  I quickly realized that the real reason behind his anger was because he was upset about me being gay.  His anger continued to escalate and he hit me while I was driving.

Do you remember?  You said you were scared.  I was too.

We arrived home and my siblings saw the tears in my eyes. 
They were silent and let me have my peace. 

But you...

You became my hero that day when you came to my side.
You asked if I was okay and gave me comfort.

I have wholeheartedly forgiven my dad.
And I can forget about what he did that day.
But I will never forget about what you did that day.

It is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

After that day we became very close friends and side-by-side we slowly learned to become better people from each other.  I've watched you morph into a more positive person.  You've become more warm and more kind to others.

You have helped me learn that I need to be more accepting of other people if I want them to be accepting of who I am.  I know people give you nasty looks for being overweight.  Do you remember when we were eating at Jack-In-The-Box and those people kept staring at you?  At times like those, I'll gladly be by your side to comfort you.

I can't wait to have our next chocolate milk party.

Sincerely, Justy





Another picture we took on that day
Damn that shave ice tasted good



p.s. The two of us enjoyed throwing what we call "chocolate milk parties".  They usually happened late at night when everyone else was sleeping.  The two of us would drink as much chocolate milk as we wanted.  We would bang our mugs together and toast and laugh about how silly we were being.  Sometimes we would have cookies too.

She's in Texas right now with my older brother (he's stationed there for the army) so we haven't had a chocolate milk party in a while.  It's been about four months since I've seen her.

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Jordan Bites and The Hole of Empty Feelings

After the much-welcomed response to my narrative The Giant Wave, I have decided to dive into a world of fiction and launch a series of children stories about a kid explorer named Jordan Bites.  The energetic, bright Jordan Bites enjoys going on adventures where he overcomes obstacles, breaks through barriers, and comes out a hero... just in time to make it home for dinner!  Each Jordan Bites story will be loosely inspired by events that have happened to me in real life and become metaphors for the trials and tribulations of my life. 

I now present to you the story of Jordan Bites and the Hole of Empty Feelings.



Jordan Bites walking through the meadow
Colored pencil on paper
 July 24, 2011



---

Jordan Bites was venturing through a vast, bright-green meadow. 

This land was foreign to the young fella; he's never wandered so far from home.  He was mildly afraid of the rare mini-monsters that roamed the far reaches of the wilderness, but he was a bravely-curious kid and ready for new experiences. 

It was the perfect summer's day.  The luscious grass swayed side to side with the calm, relaxing breeze.  Yellow butterflies luminescently danced in the air as the sunlight majestically beamed down from the light-blue sky above.  Jordan closed his eyes for a moment to feel the sunlight's warmth on his face. 

He was innocently unaware of what was about to happen.

Without warning, Jordan's foot struck an ancient, well-preserved log that had occupied this space for centuries and he began to violently topple over.  Instinctively, Jordan braced himself for the impact.  For a split second he felt the green, luscious grass as it gently and lightly brushed against his skin.  Jordan wholeheartedly expected to slam into the hard ground beneath the grass but instead he felt...

Empty air?

A giant hole had been hidden by the overgrown grass and Jordan was quickly slipping into it.  He tried grabbing at the grass - it was his last hope - but the soft grass quickly uprooted and he hopelessly fell into the hole.

"AHHHHH!" yelled Jordan. 

Gravity seized control of the young man's body and he was falling into the unknown, going deeper and deeper until...

Plop! 

Jordan had landed on some kind of... bed?  Jordan felt it with his fingers.  He instantly knew what it was as it gently tangled around his fingers; it was dead grass.  They still felt soft, just like the ones he had felt in the meadow.  Maybe they were enchanted with a spell of some kind.  The thought quickly drifted from Jordan's mind as reality set in.

A sinister darkness was surrounding him.

Jordan's heart began to pound rapidly.  A wave of air rushed over his skin and he suddenly felt cold.  Above him - about twenty feet up -  he could slightly make out the hole that he had fallen through.  The meadow's overgrown grass was covering most of the hole and a very weak beam of light was meekly penetrating into the darkness.

"HELP!" yelled Jordan. 

After a minute of yelling profusely, he gave up.  It was pointless; he was audible to no one.  Everything in the darkness fell to silence. 

Jordan suddenly felt very lonely.  He was usually okay with being alone - he was a lone wolf by heart - but this loneliness frightened him.  He took a seat on the soft grass as his eyes began to water.  He had fallen into a deep hole and saw no path to freedom.  He was a hostage, a young soldier locked away and held captive in an underground dungeon.

Jordan thought about what would become of him as he wiped the tears from his eyes.  He was scared; mini-monsters could be living here.  Jordan shivered as he felt another wave of air rush over his skin. 

"That's strange," he thought.  Jordan looked up at the hole again; it was still covered by grass.  So where was the wind coming from?  Jordan thought about this for a second when it occured to him that...

There must be another opening somewhere!

Jordan sprang to his feet.  A wave of hope began coursing through his body.  He waited patiently for the next rush of air.  After a few seconds it came and tickled him.

Brr.  It felt cold.

The wind had playfully poked Jordan on the left side of his body.  He turned to the left and began to carefully march forward.  Jordan stopped after a few steps to concentrate on the breeze again.  Maybe - with fingers crossed - the wind will lead him to a way out.  It was worth the try.

Jordan blindly and cautiously navigated through the darkness using the direction of the breeze.  After a few steps he could no longer feel the soft, dead grass beneath his feet.  He kept his arms extended in front of him in fear of bumping his head into something, but there was nothing there to feel.  It was as if the only thing that existed here were darkness.

Jordan wished this empty feeling would disappear.

It was strange, but he swore that he could hear the wind whispering in his ear.  It was speaking to him and saying, "Follow me.  I know the way out."  Jordan wondered that maybe it was common for people to fall into this dark hole.  Maybe the wind was enchanted to help lead the estray back into the light.

The determined boy continued to stumble through the dark for what seemed like hours.  Jordan was now feeling increasingly thirsty, and he was beginning to hallucinate about white dancing doves ahead of him.  The dreadful darkness felt everlasting, but Jordan continued to hope that freedom was waiting to embrace him just around the corner.

Wait!  Was that light far-off in the distance?

Jordan began sprinting toward it.  He thought he had been hallucinating.  Was this it?  Was he finally going to escape the darkness?  The source of light was inching closer and closer until finally...

Jordan broke through a small opening on a hillside and stood there, panting and out of breath.  He was standing in another meadow.  The sunlight was majestically beaming down from the sky above and Jordan could feel its warmth on his face once again.  He felt the cool, relaxing breeze lightly touch his skin as it spoke to him one last time.

"Congratulations, you're free."

Jordan broke into a sprint; it was a sprint of happiness.
He couldn't wait to get back home. 

---

I hope you guys enjoyed the story. 
It was inspired by my fall to promiscuity and my escape from it.

Playful way of depicting the promiscuous person I saw in myself
Original photo taken on April 4, 2011 

A year and a half ago I became a promiscuous person.

Just like Jordan Bites, I had wandered off.  I had fallen into a deep hole and couldn't see a way out.  The sunlight - my hope - barely reached into that hole.  I was lost, but my heart (in the story, the wind) showed me that there was a way out.   Looking back now, I'm glad I decided to fight for a way out of the darkness just like the way Jordan Bites did in the story.  

Now I feel as if I am joyously sprinting away from the darkness.

Most importantly, I hope you guys enjoyed the story.  I thought of the name "Jordan Bites" one day and thought it would be neat to use it in some sort of children's story.  Making up the first Jordan Bites adventure was fun and the story turned out better than I thought it would.  I look forward to sharing another Jordan Bites story with you guys in the future.



Current blog views: 3,394

Current followers:  91

The Sketch of a Tree

I was about to go to sleep, but something just happened that made me smile. 
As a result, I am here on my laptop writing about it 
and drinking hot cocoa with marshmallows.  Mmmm.

I really want to post this before going to bed.
Here's what happened...


Earlier yesterday I saw my younger brother's white board lying around.  Written on it were a couple of words that nearly took up all the space.  I saw - however - that there was just enough space in the upper right-hand corner for me to make a quick sketch.  In less than two minutes I had sketched a tree. 

I stared at it for a while.  "Not bad for a sketch," I thought to myself.  I left the white board lying around and forgot all about it.

Throughout the rest of the day, my younger brother dished out a couple mildly-mean remarks at me.  He does that sometimes.  Apparently I'm a fat person, lazy and ugly, etc.  Maybe he just enjoys kidding around and means nothing by his criticisms, but it is difficult to tell sometimes.  It bothers me, because I want him to look up to me, not look down on me. 

I was just about to go to sleep when I saw the white board next to my younger brother's bed.  He had erased everything on it...

Except for my sketch.

A smile spread across my face when I saw that.  I quickly found my camera and snapped a picture of it.  This sketch is worth remembering.

Maybe my little brother looks up to me after all.



The little sketch I made on my younger brother's white board.

 
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Current followers: 85

White-Sand Beach

Here's a collecton of pictures that I've taken over the years at the same beach where me and my family built the wall of sand (read my previous post  The Giant Wave). 

I'll add more pictures to this post as I take more pictures at this beach. 
It's one of my favorite places to take photos : )



In the far distance - about 200 meters from where I am - is where we built the wall of sand.



 

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Current followers: 81

The Giant Wave

My dad is a veteran fisherman and enjoys going on day-long fishing trips to his favorite beaches.  When me and my siblings were kids - I have an older brother, an older sister, and a younger brother - he would often bring us along.   These fishing trips were simply fun.  No stress involved.  Just pack a cooler full of snacks and drinks and we were good to go.  This is the story of what happened at the beach one day...


Our troubles were melting away.

My dad was leisurely fishing on the beach as us kids played to our hearts' content.  The four of us ran lightly through the sand, carefree and wild with jubilation.  We had conquered the deserted stretch of beach and we ruled the land. 

The waves were particularly strong on this day.  They roared and taunted us, daring us to get a little wet and a little messy.  We graciously accepted the challenge and began to build a wall of sand near the water's edge.  Our wish was to shut out the waves, hold them hostage in the sea, and prevent them from reaching beyond our barricade.

The waves, however, were enraged by our intentions and refused to be held by prison walls. They began to unleash unforgiving power on to our wall.  The water boiled in the ocean, shot like fireballs onto the shore, and hurdled into our blockade.  We felt the ground shaking beneath our feet.  I used to be scared of the waters at times like these; they looked ready to eat me alive.

The four of us became comrades in this battle against the sea.  We frantically assembled a much-needed defense.  My older brother and I vigorously threw sand into heaping piles.  My sister and younger brother swiftly patted down the sand and shaped the blockade into a solid, shielding C-shape.  We had to hurry; the tide was quickly rising.

The waves had rapidly evolved into ghastly, terrorizing monsters.  They lurked in the sea before rushing forward to swallow our wall.  The waves devoured chunks at a time and greedily came back to gobble more.  The blockade was hopelessly falling victim to the brutality.

My siblings and I were struggling to keep the wall up. 

Out of the corner of my eye I saw my dad walking toward us, carrying his fishing gear and smiling.  I thought he would laugh at us and keep walking in search of fish.  Suddenly - to our shock and delight! - my dad abandoned his fishing gear, ran over, and started to help us build the wall. 

A smile spread across my face.

The five of us did our best to keep the wall up, but eventually a giant wave came and demolished the whole thing.  Our clothes were soaked with water and covered with sand.  The battle had been fun and entertaining though and we laughed like hyenas afterwards.  The five of us had lost the fight, but we had each other and that was all that seemed to matter in the world.

"C'mon guys!  Let's go home," my dad said with a smile.
Together we headed home as the sleepy sun began to set.

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Pictures Are Worth A Thousand Words

One small step for this blog:

Acquiring a thousand views!

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Stars and Starfishes

Two days ago, I had taken and edited the picture below.  My plan: simply post the picture of me sitting down and staring at the star - yes, the smiling one - and see what people thought of it haha.  I thought it would be fun.

After editing the picture, I was sitting down and staring at the star.  Suddenly I remembered a particular story about a starfish.  Just a little over a year ago, I had read a book - "The Power in You" by Wally Amos - which contained a short story about a starfish.  After reading the story, I rushed to go write it down in my journal. 

I opened my journal today - it's been a while since I've done that - and reread the story.  Just like when I read it the first time a year ago, the story made me smile.  I hope it makes you smile too.

   

   "The Starfish"

Author Unknown

As the old man walked down a Spanish beach at dawn, he saw ahead of him what he thought to be a dancer.  The young man was running across the sand rhythmically bending down to pick up a stranded starfish and throw it far into the sea.  The old man gazed in wonder as the young soul again and again threw the small starfish from the sand to the water.  The old man approached him and asked why he spent so much energy doing what seemed a waste of time.  The young man explained that the stranded starfish would die if left until the morning sun.

"But there must be thousands of miles of beach and millions of starfish.  How can your effort make any difference?"

The young man looked down at the small starfish in his hand and as he threw it to safety in the sea said, "It makes a difference to this one."

I've read this to my dad, my older sister, and my sister-in-law.  They all smiled when I read the last sentence. 

It's a short and simple story, yet magically holds a handful of meaningful messages.  I take to heart the message that you just have to start with one - one step, one person, one action - to make a difference and that, afterall, really is the difference.

I wonder... what does the story mean to you?



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What Makes A Man

The drawing below was made by a guy I know very well.  When we were eleven years old, he confessed to me that he was gay.  He trusted me - the only person he trusted at the time - and trusted that I wouldn't tell anyone unless he was ready to come out of the closet.  As we entered college, he would tell me that he was still insecure with himself.

My friend believes that he's not the best at expressing himself - I agree - so he found an outlet for his insecurities: art.  He drew this picture and I was surprised by his drawing ability.  They say that when a person creates a piece of art, it is a self-portrait of themselves.  In this case it is true.  I see him when I look at this picture.

I made up a story to go with his drawing and I hope you enjoy it.

"What Makes A Man"
Colored pencils on paper
2009

The city was alive. 
People were crossing sidewalks, driving fancy cars, and wearing expensive business suits as they rushed to work and other places. 

A teenage guy sat there on the sidewalk, not in a rush like everyone else.  He wanted everything to stay still for a moment as he thought silently to himself.  What does it take to become a man?  Who does he want to be and what path did he want to take in life?

The young fella was practically invisible to the crowd around him, but he was used to it.  He knew the roles he played:  the lone wolf that nobody understood, the underdog that people overlooked, the middle child that never gets the attention.  Maybe all of this was true, but he didn't want these things to stop him from choosing who he wanted to become.  After all, isn't life supposed to be about choices?

Outwardly, he kept himself poised.  A warrior ready to take on the world.  The idea of exposing his weaknesses to the world was not his idea of fun, so he kept them hidden.  If you looked into his eyes, however, you would see a gentle sadness hidden there.  Even his sister has told him, "When you smile, I still see sadness in your eyes." 

The boy's sad eyes were caused by a constant inner struggle to become comfortable with his sexuality.  For this reason, he didn't mind being invisible to people at that moment.  At least they were oblivious to his insecurity of being a homosexual.

Slowly and surely, the boy finally stood up.  He still wasn't sure where he was going, but he realized that staying still was no way to get anywhere.  He took a step into the crowd and disappeared.

Now that you have read the story
you might have a few questions

You might be wondering,

"What ever happened to the guy in the story?"

I'll tell you if you just ask

but first keep reading.

Maybe you're wondering,

"Is this a true story?"

I'll gladly answer if you just ask
but first keep reading

Now you must be wondering,

"What is the purpose of this silly epilogue?"
I'll gladly give you the reason
but first keep reading

because I have to tell you something.

The guy who drew that picture has a blog and

 his blog...

well...

It's right here.

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A Lighthearted Poem

I decided to work part time as a math tutor at the University of Hawaii Manoa during the spring semester of 2011.  Not only did helping others with math feel rewarding, I knew that it would prove useful in the future as a civil engineer major.  This is a poem of what happened during work one day...

He walked into the tutor room gracefully

Almost as if he glided

I never heard his footsteps

Nor did I feel the vibration of the ground

No one took notice

No one looked up as he made his way to his seat

No one except me

I nervously walked over and asked if he needed help

He looked up at me with kind eyes and said yes

I planted myself into a seat next to him
With an eagerness that shouted my joy

Sharing my knowledge with him was delightful

I was the accomplished wizard

And he the bright apprentice

His natural charm was irresistible

And I was captivated by his spell

Every now and then
I would allow myself to gaze at him
His handsome smile was enough to light up the room

His voice was enough to keep someone warm on a cold night

His caring eyes were enough to make anyone feel special

As our time together came to an end

My hand softly touched his hand
And his hand embraced mines
Our last and final embrace

Before we parted ways

The Uneasy Feeling

Back in high school, I was very insecure and awkward.  Rough times.  I spent a considerable amount of time worrying about my sexuality.  It was a secret and I wanted it to remain that way.  This is one of many experiences where I became terrified that my secret would be revealed.  

"Hey kiddo!  Come upstairs!"

Aunt Sue was eagerly inviting me upstairs to grab some food to eat.  My extended family lived upstairs.  I wasn't sure if they had suspicions about my sexuality.  However, when you're trying so hard to conceal a secret, the paranoia begins to set in.  Being upstairs made me feel uneasy. 

I decided to not think so hard and go upstairs anyways.  To be polite.

The food was on the dinner table where my grandpa, my cousin, Uncle D, and Aunt Sue were sitting.  I grabbed a plate and proceeded to fill it with a myriad of food.  I was hoping for a simple grab and go. 

Then out of nowhere, Uncle D asked me a question.

"Do you want a girlfriend?"

"No." 

My mistake.

"Do you want a boyfriend?"

I froze.  I couldn't let them know that I was gay.  I told myself to just stay calm.  All eyes were on me. 

"No."

I tried to look relaxed but I'm sure my hands were slightly shaking.  I finished filling my plate with food before dashing away into the comfort of my living room.

Coming Out to My Dad

I was a senior in high school when I came out to my dad.   It was a month before graduation and I felt that coming out would be a great way to start my post high school life.  This took place about 4 years ago.


"How are you feeling dad?"

"I'm doing well.  Don't worry about me."

My sister, younger brother, and I were visting my dad, who was recovering from surgery in the hospital.   By the looks of him - sitting up in bed, smiling, joking with us - it looked as if he would be good as new in no time.  The three of us hanged out in his room for a bit and kept him company.  It must get lonely in the hospital; I was glad to be there for him.  After a while, my two siblings left to pick up my older brother.  He had just finished work and he wanted to see dad too.  I decided to stay back so that my dad wouldn't have to be alone.

Then it was just me and my dad.  Suddenly a thought came to me...  This would be the perfect time to tell my dad that I'm gay.  I wanted my dad to be the first to know.  I felt that if I could tell him that I was gay then I could tell anyone.  This was going to be a challenge.

My dad and I watched TV as we lightly conversed.  My hands were beginning to sweat as I silently thought about how to break the news to my dad.  The minutes were wasting away and soon an hour had passed.  I was scared of telling him, because I knew he would be disappointed at the news.

I was also scared of wasting this opportunity.  If I was serious about telling my dad, I would have to do it soon because my siblings were going to return any minute now.  Finally I said something.

"Hey dad,  if I had a problem, you would want me to tell you right?" 

As soon as those words had escaped my mouth, he knew something wasn't right.  I had never asked my dad that question before.  It felt all too personal and my eyes began to tear up.

My dad replied, "Of course.  What is it?"

I started crying. 

"What's wrong?"  My dad was now genuinely concerned. 

I said slowly, "I'm... I'm..."

And he knew. 
I didn't have to say anything else.
He had figured it out. 

I wanted him to hug me and tell me that it was alright, but he didn't do that.  He began to lecture me about how homosexuality was a sin.  Tears were silently streaming down my cheeks as I listened. 

Afterwards, I stepped outside to wait for my siblings to return.  Thoughts were racing through my head.  Maybe my dad was right.  Is being gay a sin?  Am I flawed for being attracted to other guys?  I didn't know the answers to these questions but I wished that I did.

Welcome Welcome Welcome!

So here I am. 

I've blogged a handful of times before and now I'm looking to settle down.  This website looks awesome!

My goal:  To become more comfortable with who I am.
There are a couple things that I feel insecure about, one of them being my sexuality. Admitting to myself that I'm gay has been a struggle I must admit.

Taking in the sunshine on a deserted beach

I'm usually the keep-to-himself guy but lately the idea of becoming more comfortable with who I am and opening myself to others has grown on me.

So here I am.  Cheers : )